“We Don’t Need Any Help”…and other delusions at the altar.

It’s interesting how most people plan for things.  Take something like a vacation for example.  We spend weeks, sometimes months preparing for the journey.  We think of things to do, and places to visit.  But we also (or at least we should) have plans on what to do if things aren’t “perfect” (oh, how I love that word…).

What if it rains, or what if we lose our credit cards or passport.

What if one of us gets sick?  What if we both get sick!?

Ah yes, those things only happen to “other people”

Why then, with almost 55% of first marriages ending in divorce, do so few take the critical steps to really develop a sustaining relationship with their spouse (or future spouse).  My answer:  They don’t think it will happen to them.

Oh, no; divorce is for “other people”, not us!

And that’s exactly the lie the enemy (more about the “enemy” in a future article) wants us to buy into.  That false sense of security that makes us just keep planning the wedding (the huge one-day party) and not worry about the actual marriage (the lifelong journey till death do us part).

It’s almost as if we tell ourselves:

“I’m not too worried about the marriage- we love each other, we get along, and if (“if”…did ya catch that?) we hit a rough patch, it’ll just work itself out.  On the other hand, I have got to plan every single detail of this wedding, because it won’t just work itself out!!”

So where does this leave us?  The answer is to gain the “20/20 hindsight” awareness from people who have gone through a divorce.

Over the past several years, I have been compiling data from interviews with divorced men and women.  One startling statistic is that the majority (over 85%) did not do any form of pre-engagement or pre-marital coaching.

However, almost 90% of people I surveyed said emphatically that they would definitely do pre-marital in the future.

Please read that again.  85% didn’t.  And then they got divorced.  Now, almost 90% said they would if they ever got married again.

Huh, that sure sounds like learning from experience to me!!

Stretch, Grow, Become.

If you’re in a committed relationship and sense that marriage may be the next step, get connected with a professional who has been where you want to go (a healthy loving marriage), as well as where you don’t want to go (divorce court).

What I’m saying is if you receive your coaching from someone who has “failed” at marriage, and then been blessed enough to develop a successful marriage later in life, you’ll be receiving a wealth of “what- to- do’s and what-not-to-do’s”!

It just might be enough to keep your own marriage from becoming a statistic.

So, let’s get a conversation going around this!  Think of a time in your own life when you thought “I don’t need any help”, or my favorite- “I got this!”  It’s true- experience is what we get right after we needed it.

And don’t worry about being embarrassed- just leave a comment so we can all learn from your experience.

Thanks in advance for being part of the discussion!


Change isn’t easy.  If it was, everyone would be living the dream.  Having a coach who takes people from where they are to where they want to be makes all the difference.  Call me today to learn more.

Copyright © 2012   Scott Milnes   All Rights Reserved

One Response to ““We Don’t Need Any Help”…and other delusions at the altar.”

  1. Kathryn

    Scott, great analogy. It took a second for me to process the photo…but what an impact that made. It’s so true how most people spend their life preparing for retirement or planning for their next vacation, and they have it down to a science. But when it comes to something as important as who you are going to spend the rest of your life with, people are just not prepared for “how to prepare or plan” for a marriage. And that’s really scary when you think about it. If 90% of the people who said they would sign up for pre-marital counseling did it the FIRST time, I would imagine there would be a lot of happier people—single or married—in the world!


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